Confession

I really want a baby. >_<

Oh yes, there are innumerable fantastic reasons why not to have a baby right now... in a year, 2, or even 5 years. I could go on and on about how a baby would make things more difficult and slow things down.

Perhaps my motherly instincts are finally emerging :P.
I don't think I have ever acknowledged it, but I fear parenting. I'm afraid of being a mother. It blows my mind that a mother who nurtures and cares for their child, vowing to do whatever they can for them, can deteriorate into something harmful. Yes, all the parents in the world say that everything they do is for the benefit of their child(ren). But how does that justify abandoning fundamental respect and the love that was felt before.
Hey, I'm naive with all of this parenting stuff. Maybe it makes perfect sense to them, but is it right? I think that's what it all boils down to.

I have all the reason to postpone parenting. It voids all opportunity for failure in regards to it. However, it makes for a stronger success as well. But isn't that what everyone thinks? Everyone says that they'll do better than their parents, and that they would be the best parents to their children. In the end, when they are faced with a high stress situation, they forget everything and do what they are comfortable with: What their parents did to them. Everyone thinks that the change will be easy, to refrain from their parents' behavior, but in reality, it is going to be difficult. We all want to be good parents, no doubt. It is during the high stress times that we have to embody huge amounts of self control. Sigh, like I said before, it's easy to say.
My mother is a perfect example. She claims that she read stacks parenting books. She criticized how her parents treated her. She majored in Home Economics at college. She is a Hypnotherapist. She joined the Mormon church. It's a formula for a perfect mother right? I wish. I really wish it were so. There are many factors that made things difficult for her, regardless of her preparation. The two biggies are money and lack of emotional support.

I can safely say that I don't have to worry about any of that. I have an amazing husband, there is plenty of outside help from family, friends and church if we need it, etc. So perhaps I have nothing to worry about. Yeah, impossible :P

I'm going to finish this later.

It's been a while, lj

I guess it's safe to say that I'm feeling pretty depressed. In a sense, my mother basically disowned me. I'm not sure if this is something to be worried about or to rejoice over.

She verbally abused me my entire life. I felt like the home wasn't a safe place to be. I feared coming home from school or church. Leaving home was a relief, and I tried to take every opportunity to leave.... failing at that miserably because she is so good at tying me down.

Perhaps this is something that is trying to break apart families? But it has never felt like family. Is that itself an illusion? The spirit of family was never there in the first place. She doesn't even properly know the principles of the church and never applied them. Moreover, she doesn't even apply the principles of her work. Many of her clients have parental/family issues and she teaches them to improve their relationship.
She is not even a good example of a mother. What mother screams at her children? What mother floods the floor with shards of glass/porcelain from throwing plates? What mother smacks her sleeping daughter's face repeatedly with a towel?

Did I make her raise her voice? Did I make her want to throw and break things? I made her do those things? Am I disobedient?
I have never done drugs. I was never promiscuous. I have good friends. I am doing so well in school now. I have never explicitly done something against her to hurt her. I have never insulted her or raised my voice at her. I have always treated her with the utmost respect, regardless of all that she has done.

She moved on from one religion to another, claiming that she was "done" with them and that she learned everything about it, and that the new one is "better". Really now? Why aren't you a better person now that you're in X religion? Ok, people don't change overnight. I'd say 10+ years is enough. Although I believe she has been going backwards. As years passed, she had been saying more hurtful things and she became more physical in expressing her frustration.

After all of that, how can I say that I love her?

I should seriously write a book. Even though my case isn't unique of anything, with other people who had to deal with abuse (many even worse than mine), but I'd say it's freaking amazing that I got out of it sane.

(no subject)

There are only two relationships that can significantly impact your life: the first, and the last.

The first relationship you enter into is one of discovery and excitement. You map out uncharted territories, you sail into tunnels of love and you discover what it means to truly care for another person. It is magical, it is spiritual, it fills you to the brim with joy... and then like all tragic romance novels, it shatters your heart into a million little pieces.

Your optimism is destroyed, your ideology changed, you realize that love takes hard work and commitment...and even though you end up sobbing in your pillow at night, you eventually lift your head back up and begin the journey of finding the next suitable partner. The first relationship opens the door for future relationships, it is like a gateway drug, getting you addicted to the taste of love, passion, and sex and keeping you wanting more. The first relationship is also a learning experience as all relationships eventually become until you reach your last relationship.

The last relationship is your final destination. It is no longer about perfection, but one of compatibility. You've learned to love and appreciate all that comes with it, and you've decided to commit and put all the years of learning and hard work into a single person. She must be special in the sense that she offers what your previous relationships couldn't. She becomes a conglomeration of everything you've learned about what you want in a significant other, and though she might not be perfect, she is perfection in your eyes. The last relationship is also unique in that both sides agree to give up all future relationships. It is almost like a graduation ceremony after years of schooling...the real thing for which all other relationships strove to be.

I know I am still young, but the thought of the last relationship is starting to creep up on me. My dad was married at 22, my first GF recently got engaged, and even though I'm not actively looking for 'the one.' I wouldn't be against the idea of finding her sometime soon. A romantic and idealist at heart? Possibly. But without that ideology, life can be a very depressing place.

(no subject)

I am scared. That is all, I cannot elaborate. I have nothing else to say.

EDIT:
Unless you're seeking advice from someone who can constructively contribute wise advice, don't go around telling your friends about our "break"

(no subject)

1. Ok.

2. This is it, 4-ish weekends left. After that, we will not see each other for at least a year. I would think that would be a strong enough incentive for us to try to be with each other as much as possible. Once I'm gone, you can be completely devoted to your friends on the weekends, for at least a year... If you REALLY can't stand it, I understand. :(

3. Ok.

4. Ok.